breeders (not the band)

working on college avenue is like having a window into the future of america and it's looking, in a word, douche-y. no it is not cute that you have a stroller built for two and another in the oven, unless it's coming out with a cinammon swirl and some frosting on it i am not fucking interested. and dudes, your hand's ain't clean either, if i ever hear another one of you say "we're pregnant" i will fucking lose it. until you shoot a hampster out your dick in solidarity she's the one who's pregnant, you're just the asshole. i'd advocate one of those "don't breed when there are so many in need," bob barker type deals but then we'd just end up with jolie/madonna imitators further exploiting the exlpoited, or worse yet some racist asshole like spencer pratt adopting, nobody who isn't blood related should be forced to spend anytime with that waste of air. and speaking of air, wouldn't it be great if all these overbreeding asshats got one giant carbon footprint to their forehead. i'd like the actual cost of their resource consumption to be summed up into an annual kick in the junk, two balls, one stone if you catch my drift. so suck it breeders! i don't hate all babies, i just hate yours.

common

yeah. i fucking did. i am so sick and tired of this shithead's mug. how come there's never a backlash for conscious rappers? they just go from being loved by hippie kids to loved by liberal yuppie soccer moms with jungle fever (once they've starbucks-ed out their sound enough). yeah, fine, "the corner" was pretty tight but suck it pitchfork that record is not an 8.6. and that new one, jesus, i didn't think it could be worse than the cover art but lo and behold. take your stupid hats and your sensitive little poses and your meticulously groomed facial hair and your fucking i love my strong black sisters (and totally know how to pleasure them) raps and just go away. you made one dope record and that was fucking fourteen years ago! ok, fine, your spots on stakes is high ("i used to love her but i now i bone her") and black star ("my circumstance is between cabrini and love jones") were on point but that's like 2 minutes of verse from 10+ years ago. oh, yeah, and didn't you hear from your buddy kanye? you can't be conscious and hate homosexuals anymore, it don't jibe. go be unconscious somewhere.

p.s. remember when you got sued by the shittiest, limpest ska band of all time? yeah, that was funny.

bret michaels

oh, bret michaels. yes, i watched "rock of love 2". and i am ashamed. i am what is wrong with america. i gave this person my valuable time and consideration. yet i still blame bret. in a way that i cannot put into complete, logical sentences, i hate bret michaels and i hate the people who watch his brand of dating show with the very real possibility of a scorching case of hepatitis, therefore, i hate myself and i hate little baby lips over here for making me hate myself.

in fact, just look at his lips. this man is probably on the dark side of the forties and he's making little baby lips. don't you just want to kiss those baby lips? no, bret michaels, i will not allow you to turn me out as you have so many others. put those irresistible baby lips away. maybe put them in one of your many bandanas or fashion cowboy hats. maybe wrap them up tight in one of those bedazzled t-shirts. i am going to go ahead and say with complete certainty that not only is bret-bret bald underneath those head pieces, but also completely hairless everywhere else on his body. no man who has perfected his baby lips into such a pout can resist manicuring his pubic hair into the perfect little triangle, trimming and primping more and more until there is nothing. nothing but sleek bronzed pure sex. this man actually looks like a penis. look at him. seriously, look at him. get lost in the steely sex gaze of baby lips.


as my friend andy said, "i bet bret michaels tans his dick."

and i think that says it all.

bret michaels, you can suck it.