this post is totally going to rip apart my hateful and heartless blogging persona (ed note: not that difficult) and expose the softie underbelly that is reality, but i'm ok with that. i am, after everything is said and done, an old-fashioned dude and, well, also just plain old. to me cheating just sounds complicated, both logistically and emotionally. that's why god invented breaking up and porn, also the imagination. in addition to being a total pussy about relationships, i'm also a total pussy for romantic comedies. i fucking love that shit, i can not get enough of them. on my flight back from london last week i watched fucking 4 of them in a row, and i cried, oh did i cry. i was hungover and had slept on the floor of heathrow the night before so that might have had something to do with it, but i'm not making excuses.that said, there's a sub-genre of romantic comedies that drive me up the fucking wall, the amoral romantic comedy. well, to call it a sub-genre would imply some sort of intention on the part of the writers/directors/producers. in reality, it seems that these are just romantic comedies made by dicks (both male and female). i was watching serendipity yesterday (let's just say that netflix streaming is both a blessing and a curse) and boy did that fucker boil my blood. long story short john cusack (who is the king of the shitty haircut/dye-job as "younger" him costume, see also high fidelity) and kate beckinsale meet and fall in love but, oh no, both are in relationships so it would just be too crazy for them to hook up. so instead they basically live a lie for 5 years dragging the perfectly nice and loving, if a little douchey, john corbett and whatzhershit (too lazy to google) along for the ride, all the while having feverish wet dreams about each other. and then fate finally brings them together like the day john cusack was supposed to get married to whatzhershit. FUCK YOU! i am supposed to love you both, that is the whole point of romantic comedies, i have to want you guys to be together and not because you're both dicks so you shouldn't be with nice people. if you do shitty stuff and your boyfriend/girlfriend does not (ok, being a world famous new age musician is shitty but it's not like fucked his assistant shitty), then i can't love you and want you to ditch them for the girl/boy of your dreams. and now the whole fucking story arc is fucked. if you had made john corbett kick a baby, or had whatzhershit be all verbally abusive then fine. but this is not a romantic comedy, it's just a shitty movie about how people do fucked up shit to each other 'cause they are selfish. they already make a million of those a year and they do it better because that is what they intended to do from the outset. it's like these people watched in the company of men and were like, "this is the best romantic comedy i have seen in ages, let's make one just like it but with that loveable cusack kid."
bottom line, it is really not that hard to get me to like you and want you to be happy, especially since i'll never find out that you don't wash dishes, or you have really bad b.o., or are really just a mean piece of shit. you have to look good to me for an hour and a half, two tops, how is that so fucking hard hollywood?
