bagels

i guess this post should be subtitled, "and the people who improperly prepare them. (also bagel enthusiasts)". and i suppose there is a certain amount of self-loathing and circular logic implied, as i am infuriated by bagels, their people who sell them, and the people for whom no bagel is good enough. but let me clarify:

BAGELS: you stupid-ass food. you're all doughy and heavy in the morning and make me fall asleep on the train. and all your toppings are just that: on the top. i need you to be filled with savory (or sweet) goodness through and through. sometimes you make me eat you upside-down so i can get those toppings on my tongue where they belong. when you're good: crispy on the outside, hot and soft on the inside, you are heaven on earth. sadly, you are usually just a big lump of dough with a hole in the middle. and why the hole? i know donuts, and you, sir, are no donut. just be yourself, you punk-ass bread. permission granted: suck it.

PEOPLE WHO PREPARE BAGELS: how hard is it? toast the bagel. yes, fully toast it, so it's a little crispy and browned, not just warmed. then maybe a human-size portion of cream cheese on it. not a pint and a half that if saved, could feed a starving child for weeks. are you a sadist or just wasteful? i bet you drive a hummer. i bet if your hummer ran off cream cheese you'd think twice about that shit. oh, and when you cut the bagel, do it all the way through. that way, when i attempt to separate the two halves of my warmed over, sloppy with "shmear" breakfast item, it won't pull the bottom out from under and fall on my lap and ruin my pants/morning. and why do you call it a "shmear"? that is disgusting. you are lazy, wasteful, and half-ass bagel chef. may you drown in a pile of salmon-flavored cream cheese as you, of course, suck it.

BAGEL SUPREMACISTS: "this bagel is good but it's not like this one place in Brooklyn that makes the best blah blah blah" dude, you spent three days in new york city last summer, and no bagel or slice of pizza has been the same for you since. i feel your pain, but you should probably either take a jetblue flight back to williamsburg, die, or perhaps shut up and eat the goddamn thing. i hate you. i truly hate you. everyone who is still impressed that you know about new york and their delicious peasant food is about 19 years old or lives in wisconsin. long may you suck it.

thanks to the above, this food has now been ruined for me forever.

the san antonio spurs

this one is probably the interweb equivalent of a broken record but i will happily get my 2 cents in on the subject. this team is the representation of everything that is wrong with professional basketball and they won't fucking stop winning. i am so filled with hate that i don't even think i have anything funny to say (do i ever?) about these assclowns. there is not a single person on this team that won't have to suck it come the reckoning: the star-fucking frenchman who feigns pains every time anyone so much as touches him (the frog who cried wolf?), the argentinian dago who, understandably, is a master of ridiculous gesticulation and being a pussy, the D&D playing man-child who's always making sad face, the mustachioed cheap shot artist, the geriatric cheap shot artist, the acne-scarred coach that specializes is teaching his players how to be complete and total bitches, and a bunch of other fuckers i can't ever remember (plus one who's just not worth mentioning). and they're from san antonio. yeah, spurs, i remember the fucking alamo, that shit was tight!

a short roundup of people, places, and things that can, in fact, suck it (vol. 1)

-person who lingers at the cream and sugar counter at the coffee shop, stirring and stirring their little cup of coffee until it's perfect shade of brown, tasting, then adding more splenda and cream until it is that perfect combination of aroma, color, and flavor: dude, suck it. if you're such a gourmet, why are you getting the drip coffee anyway? shouldn't you have some italian espresso maker that you can fire up every morning in your fuzzy slippers and perfect pajamas as you contemplate new ways to make sure your children never have any fun and grow up to be as neurotic and self-obsessed as you? again, you may suck it.

-convenience store manager: you may suck it for this reason: you had a customer appreciation day. i went in, just wanting a soft drink, and you gave me a hot dog for free. why not? and then i bit it. what was that flavor? hot yellow "cheese" injected in the middle of the dog, like a flaming twinkie of disease. god damn you. now i will think of that every time i see a hot dog. and now it's all i can smell. life has lost it's joy for me. you have ruined everything. dear sir, commence to suck it.

-ipods: why do you taunt me? why must your battery die? why must mp3's sound like shit and give me a seizure? why do you have the potential to be so wonderful and then be so evil? it's like a beautiful flower that smells like a dead cat filled with turds. whoops i dropped it. whoops i just flushed $300 down the toilet. i'll just get an iphone, so that when i drop that i can break my phone, my ipod, and my camera all at once. senor ipod, hables suck it?

-modern society: culture, you can suck it. this modern existence blows. where's the wizards? the swords in stones? i want some epic journeys and some fantastical creatures. all i get is pamela anderson nipple slips and a bunch of people caring about it. get me a hobbit on the phone, i'll be riding falcor into the distant sunset as you weep tears of joy and hope for my hero's journey and tears of pain at your own pitiful self. oh world, when you ever stop sucking it?

to be continued.

breeders (not the band)

working on college avenue is like having a window into the future of america and it's looking, in a word, douche-y. no it is not cute that you have a stroller built for two and another in the oven, unless it's coming out with a cinammon swirl and some frosting on it i am not fucking interested. and dudes, your hand's ain't clean either, if i ever hear another one of you say "we're pregnant" i will fucking lose it. until you shoot a hampster out your dick in solidarity she's the one who's pregnant, you're just the asshole. i'd advocate one of those "don't breed when there are so many in need," bob barker type deals but then we'd just end up with jolie/madonna imitators further exploiting the exlpoited, or worse yet some racist asshole like spencer pratt adopting, nobody who isn't blood related should be forced to spend anytime with that waste of air. and speaking of air, wouldn't it be great if all these overbreeding asshats got one giant carbon footprint to their forehead. i'd like the actual cost of their resource consumption to be summed up into an annual kick in the junk, two balls, one stone if you catch my drift. so suck it breeders! i don't hate all babies, i just hate yours.