a short roundup of people, places, and things that can, in fact, suck it (vol. 1)

-person who lingers at the cream and sugar counter at the coffee shop, stirring and stirring their little cup of coffee until it's perfect shade of brown, tasting, then adding more splenda and cream until it is that perfect combination of aroma, color, and flavor: dude, suck it. if you're such a gourmet, why are you getting the drip coffee anyway? shouldn't you have some italian espresso maker that you can fire up every morning in your fuzzy slippers and perfect pajamas as you contemplate new ways to make sure your children never have any fun and grow up to be as neurotic and self-obsessed as you? again, you may suck it.

-convenience store manager: you may suck it for this reason: you had a customer appreciation day. i went in, just wanting a soft drink, and you gave me a hot dog for free. why not? and then i bit it. what was that flavor? hot yellow "cheese" injected in the middle of the dog, like a flaming twinkie of disease. god damn you. now i will think of that every time i see a hot dog. and now it's all i can smell. life has lost it's joy for me. you have ruined everything. dear sir, commence to suck it.

-ipods: why do you taunt me? why must your battery die? why must mp3's sound like shit and give me a seizure? why do you have the potential to be so wonderful and then be so evil? it's like a beautiful flower that smells like a dead cat filled with turds. whoops i dropped it. whoops i just flushed $300 down the toilet. i'll just get an iphone, so that when i drop that i can break my phone, my ipod, and my camera all at once. senor ipod, hables suck it?

-modern society: culture, you can suck it. this modern existence blows. where's the wizards? the swords in stones? i want some epic journeys and some fantastical creatures. all i get is pamela anderson nipple slips and a bunch of people caring about it. get me a hobbit on the phone, i'll be riding falcor into the distant sunset as you weep tears of joy and hope for my hero's journey and tears of pain at your own pitiful self. oh world, when you ever stop sucking it?

to be continued.